Angriest Rice Cooker Director’s Cut 32–Onward to Oregon

Every once in a while, I get really into playing Oregon Trail again. It’s a really great game, actually. When you play it with the most difficult starting set-up (Farmer), I find it gets pretty tense. Anyway, playing that had me thinking about the Oregon Trail itself. Then I ganked an old joke from The Onion. The original Onion joke was a list of moving tips, one of which was to consider moving to Portland because they have these parks downtown and shit. The joke stuck with with me for years. (As did the tip “Two weeks before you move, pack a small box full of books and mark it “books.” Do nothing else until the day before you move”) Growing up in Boise, Idaho, Portland always felt like a beautiful, hip, wonderful mecca that someday I would grow up and move to. Unfortunately, every young person in the western hemisphere had more or less the same idea about Portland so now it isn’t terribly practical, at least in the short term.

Anyway, I changed the punchline a little bit, mentioning Portland’s bookstores (a shout-out to Powell’s, of course) and changed the set-up completely. As T. S. Elliot put it: Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.

In the 1840s and 50s, masses of people took the Oregon Trail west to the Oregon Territories. They faced thousands of miles of wilderness, starvation, and justifiably hostile natives. But it was worth it. Portland’s got, like, cool bookstores and stuff.

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